I packed up everything he's given me and everything I have of his and I'm giving it back.

I am blocking him on AIM.

I am deleting him from myspace and facebook.

I am taking him off of my phone contacts.

before prom, I found out jason likes one of my closest friends. actually, I had a feeling he liked her even before that... so in a way, I guess I've known since april. it hurts so much. and it's worse because she doesn't realize how great he is, and he tries so hard for her but his efforts go wasted.

& damn, I know how shitty that feels because I constantly feel like I do pretty much everything for him and benny, but when it comes down to it, I still don't hold a high place in their hearts. I mean, whenever I go out to eat, I bring them back something even if they don't ask. but when they go out & I ask for something, they don't bring me it lol ;(

I don't know, so much shit has happened this school year...

I'm really glad that it's coming to a close, because I really need the summer to get my mind off of people and places and things and memories. but I think that will be hard because I'll be taking summer sessions at UC Berkeley and a lot of the people I wish to avoid will be around.

it's so hard to look at him and realize he's looking at her. and it's so much worse because we hang out a lot - almost everyday afterschool, just me and him or before school or whatever. and when we hang out, we usually get really close... like I mean :x you know, that kind of close. and we've had so many arguments over it. he always tells me he feels so bad because he's taking advantage of me and everything, but if that's the case, then why does he continue to make those moves?

and I should really stop letting it happen because I just end up even more confused & even more hurt when I see him trying to flirt with her the next day.

I really don't know what to do... she's one of my closest friends but it hurts me so much to hear her talk about their conversations and such. not that she likes him. but he talks to her the way he used to talk to me. and with everything she says, I miss everything about him more and more.

I wish I could cut them both off from my life, but she's my friend and he's my friend and me and him have worked so hard to get our friendship to be as good as it is right now.

for the first time since november, we haven't ignored each other for over a week. usually, I ignore him for about a day or he ignores me for a day, but it really depends.

=(

I wish more than anything to be over him. I want to forget him. I wanna forget all of the pain. I'm so tired of being hurt and disappointed all of the time. I just want to be happy again...

( 021408 - 022308 )


OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M FINALLY POSTING THIS.
IT'S TAKEN ME THREE MONTHS HAHAHA.

lmfao, I had my new SE w580i for just 28 hours and it's already been taken away from me =)

FUCK A PROM.

shit, so I bump&grindd with this guy that my best friend doesn't really like, and when I tell him -- BECAUSE I'M HONEST & DON'T WANT TO LIE TO MY BEST FRIEND -- he starts to FUCKING IGNORE ME. fuck, like, FULL ON IGNORE ME. prom was saturday, and he hasn't talked to me at aaaall since then. I've tried reaching out to him, tried getting him to talk to me again, but he just doesn't respond and he just fucking ignores me. FUCK, I can't stand it. you'd think I'd be used to being ignored or neglected by best friends, but this is the fucking worst. he rarely ignores people. he's ALWAYS been there for me, no matter what I've done. god, I've done so much worse shit with the guy I was dancing with than GRINDING ON HIM, yet I get the silent treatment NOW?!

today, after AP testing, me, him, jason, matt, herald, janice, thomas, and the guy I danced with hung out after the test. I was so angry because he would talk to the guy I was dancing with but ignore me. wtf is that shit? it takes two to fuckin' tango, babe. it's not like I was the only one working it and shit. god.

I have so many classes with him, I can't stand him ignoring me =(

ahhh you sexy bitch.

so, over the last week my friend Zarrin and I have been getting close because we've found that we're similar in hella ways. mostly, we're going through the same shit with our guys. together but not and only in private. hah.

anyway, on friday during school we were telling jason & benny how we found out we're really alike. ever since then, jason's been wondering HOW we're alike. after much torture, I finally told him, "everything she says to you about anthony... is everything I say to her about, well, you."

from then, we had a nice talk. I told him how helping rin & ant try to solve their monday night quarrel made me want to work things out with jason & jason said, "isn't it already worked out?" but he doesn't even know what we really are, so idk...

the conversation took a sad turn for me when he told me he feels awkward telling me things. he can, but only to a certain extent. I want him to be comfortable with me, to be able to count on me, you know? it's okay if it's not now... but I hope one day he can.

I don't know, the talk didn't really get us anywhere... but I got things out in the open with him. and I'm glad. I feel better. I just want to figure "us" out.

hopefully, I see him today so that I can give him a big hug because I miss him :(

I wanna be happy again!

it's all a fucking cycle.

haha it's been hella long since I've updated. like, in detail... and shit. and since I'm bored atm, I might as well :)

( super long update )

I keep disappointing the people who love & care about me the most.

I suck at life.

it's not that i had built up a lot of hope for myself and jason.
i just never thought it was truly over.

how do you go from being the one he can't live without to being the one he can't even be in the same room with if he had a choice?

jason broke up with me.

it's so funny.

last nov 3, I was confused about whether jason and I were really going out.
this nov 3, I was confused about whether jason and I were still together,
because after our nov 1 anniversary, he asked for a break because he "wanted his space."
but during the SATs and stuff everyone thought we were still together and we didn't say
anything different, and on the ride home we acted like we did before.

last nov 4, though much later in the day, jason became really sad because he didn't
know whether or not I'd choose him over andy, and he had just found out that andy & I
hadn't broken up yet.
this nov 4, he's really sad because I just told him about everything he's been doing to
hurt me lately.

happy one year.

I can't handle it.

the other day, a long-time friend
that I haven't talked to in a while
IMed me.

yesterday, I wasn't around for one
of my best friends, who got all F's
on his report card on his mom's
birthday. I spent the day with my
boyfriend.

today, two people contacted me that
I haven't talked to in a really long
time. one of them used to be one of
my best friends.

I'm starting to realize that all I've
been about lately is: school, leadership,
yearbook, church, myself, and my boyfriend.

the thing is,
I don't know how to change that.